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Fifty Shades of Grey - Trailer 2:24
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A literature student Anastasia Steele meets a handsome, yet tormented, billionaire named Christian Grey.
- news.com.au
- 24 Aug 2014
- Entertainment/Movies
Fifty shades of Grey wasn’t quite the Bonkbuster I was dreading. Source: Supplied
SPOILER ALERT.
There are almost 20 minutes worth of sex in Fifty Shades of Grey.
There are no less than 16 bare, rather sculpted bums on show.
There are nine lips being bitten.
There is one set of boobs exposed 29 times.
A dozen shirtless scenes.
Two spanking scenes.
One flogging scene.
One peacock feather.
Several blindfolds.
Whips, ropes, chains, handcuffs, ties, spanking paddles galore.
A playroom.
A couple of pubic hair close-ups thrown in for good measure.
And the words ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ used more times than one ever wants to hear in a single sitting.
So you’d assume it would have to be a total stitch-up to willingly sit through the entire 125 steamy minutes ... with your parents.
And yet, there I was. Wedged between the very two people who created me watching the world’s most hyped bonkbuster, with nothing but a bucket of popcorn and not nearly enough alcohol between three suckers to lighten the mood.
Everybody knows that parents and sex scenes don’t go together. It’s like Maltesers in amongst your popcorn. Who does that?
One scene before things started to get sufficiently awkward. Source: Supplied
Let me preface this by saying that my folks are bloody good sports. But, unlike my sweet, innocent mother who ‘accidentally’ chose Fifty Shades for book club and therefore knew what she was letting herself in for, my poor old dad — a farmer from rural NSW — went in totally blind.
A part of me thought (hoped) he might have typed the words ‘Fifty Shades’ into Google beforehand to see what all the fuss was about. He didn’t.
Regardless, it was an exciting outing in the big smoke for the oldies, given Dad’s last recorded cinema visit to date may well have been Titanic. New outfits were purchased, a game of celeb spotting was played and champagne was slurped.
While I sat in the dark sweating bullets, dreading the first glimpse of BDSM, Dad comments that he’s “the oldest bugger in the cinema.” He is, except for Kerri-Anne Kennerley’s husband John, who’s hiding somewhere up the back.
Mum declares that she “doesn’t find Jamie Dornan handsome at all,” then Dad asks me, “Is he good looking?”
Ah yes, things were about to get weird.
Waiting for the bums and boobs. Heads in hands all around. Source: Supplied
Here’s how the longest 125 minutes of my life played out, in quotes.
Painfully slow sex scene plays out to Beyonce’s Crazy in Love.
“It’s like music you’d hear in a church.” - Dad.
First close-up of Jamie Dornan’s backside.
“Nice view.” - Mum.
A half-naked Christian Grey plays the piano in the dark.
“He’s starkers playing the piano? As you do.” - Mum.
Is he still wearing his socks? Source: Supplied
“I want to take you to my playroom.”
“What’s a playroom?” - Dad
Christian shows off his many sports cars in the garage.
Dad wants one.
Anastasia talks about “vaginal fisting” and “anal fisting”.
Dead silence from all camps.
“What’s a butt plug?”
Mum cracks up, too loudly. Annoyed couple in front turn around.
“If you agree to be my submissive I will be devoted to you.”
Mum scoffs.
“Laters, baby.”
“Tacky!” - Mum
“I would like to f*ck you into next week.”
I didn’t think it was possible for Dad to sink even lower in his seat.
It’s like a sock drawer, kind of. Source: Supplied
Christian leads Anastasia into his playroom.
“How many ropes does he need?” - Dad
“Firstly, I don’t make love, I f*ck ... hard”
“Oh, he says that in the book, I was wondering if they’d include that!” - Mum.
“Because I’m Fifty Shades of f*cked up!”
Lols from the entire cinema. Mum informs me that line is “also in the book.” E L James is a bloody comedian.
Truly hard to watch whipping scene plays out.
Searching for the nearest exit. I think Mum is close to tears.
Elevator doors close and the credits roll.
“That’s the end??” - Dad.
Mum’s overall rating?
2.5 stars.
Dad’s overall rating?
“That’s it? I thought there’d be more bonking than that.”
My overall rating?
Thank God the tampon scene didn’t make the final cut!
Fifty Shades Of Grey hits cinemas nationwide today.
Have you seen it? Share with us your thoughts below.
We’ll give Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan about a 4 for chemistry. Source: Supplied
Pretty much sums up our evening. They’ll hate me for this photo. Soz, M&D. Source: Supplied
